Poor Poor Meg

Meg Griffin's parents really DON'T get her ... and apparently don't WANT to.

Meg: I just want to kill myself. I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter [her parents] stare in silence)Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)Meg: You don't know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

DC Employment Services

This is a picture I took last year when waiting at the DC Office of Employment Services (DOES).  And if I had a wide-lens on my camera phone, you would had seen a lot more people in the same condition.

Two hours later, we actually built a small town including a post office and general store.

But then again, the people who work there, work there.  Meaning they have jobs.  Why would they care about those of us who did not?

And really?  "DOES" is the acronym they get to use?  Isn't that a little too "proactive".  What about "COULD" or ""SHOULD" or even "TRIES"?

How Pee Helps Us Understand Social Media

Nowwww I get it.

So what exactly is the difference between how we use Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Foursquare, et al? Like most everything in life, it's easiest when you think in terms of pee.

 - Brian Barrett at Gizomodo.com

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Nighty Night

Reading at bedtime isn't just for kids anymore.

I do not have any children, but I have been around enough "little people" to know that getting them to bed is never like it is on TV.  One parent has taken this dilemma and wrote a book that has skyrocketed him to “F-in” fame.

The (children’s book) spoof was written by novelist and poet Adam Mansbach, whose 3-year-old, Vivien, has turned her own corner on the sleep thing.

Here's a sample: "All the kids in day care are in dreamland. The froggie has made its last leap. Hell no, you can't go to the bathroom. You know where you can go? The (bleep) to sleep."  - KOMONews.com

Orders are being taken through the book’s official website at GoTheFToSleep.com and other major online book distributors.

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Subway Lesson

This is an actual conversation I had with two employees at Subway last night


Me: Hi, I would like a foot-long meatball with provolone and toasted

Her: What kind of bread?

She points to the sign showing the bread

Me: Hearty Italian. Foot-long meatball with provolone and toasted

She turns around to the bread box, takes out a 6” loaf and places it in front of her

Her: Yes?

Me: No. Foot-long. A foot-long meatball with provolone and toasted.

She turns around, grabs a foot-long, places it in front of her

Her: Meat?

Me: Yes, meatballs. Meatballs, with provolone … and toasted.

She scoops out about five small meatballs and looks at me like she is about to ask a question. The male manager comes over takes the sub from her.

Him: Hello sir. You wanted a meatball sub?

Me: Yes: Foot-long with provolone and toasted.

He scoops out more meatballs and fills the sub. He then grabs some provolone and turns to the woman.

Him: Does he want this heated?

Her: I don’t know.

Him: Sir, would you like this heated?

Me: Yes

He takes the sub to the woman

Him: He wants this heated.

She places the sub in the oven for 30 or so seconds. The oven *dings* and she takes it out. She places it on the counter for the man.

Him: What would you like on it?

Me: Extra lettuce

He sprinkles a little lettuce on it

Him: And?

Me: Can I have extra lettuce?

He lightly sprinkles more on

Him: And?

Me: No, can I have a lot of extra lettuce, please?

He looks at me angrily. I am to believe that like gold, lettuce is very rare, very valuable, and

costs hundreds of dollars per ounce. He grabs a fist full of lettuce and puts it on my sub.

Him: And?

Me: Extra tomatoes

He lays out 6 slices of tomatoes, three of which were cut from the very top and the green

stem/core is still attached.

Me: Sorry, but can you take those first three off and get ones without the stems?

He takes off the tomatoes and puts them back into the serving bin

Him: And?

Me: OK. Can I have new tomatoes for that empty side?

He takes 3 different tomato slices out for the sub.

Him: And?

Me: Extra onions

He sprinkles some onions on. Maybe eight 1” slivers total. But by this point I am growing tired.

Him: And?

Me: Black pepper

He then sides the sub to the woman who stares at me with a blank emotionless face.

Me: Yes. Black pepper, please

She sprinkles on some green peppers. Figuring this still might taste good, and trying my best to not fall down from exhaustion, I let it be.

Me: OK. Can I get extra green peppers?

She puts more on. Unlike her partner, she does not prompt for continuation, but just looks up at me.

Me: OK. Can I get black pepper, too?

She just looks at me. The man interjects and tells her to wait at the cash register.

Him: And?

Me: Black pepper

He sprinkles some pepper on.

Him: And?

Me: Parmesan cheese

He grabs the shaker and, with one flick, sprinkles on some parmesan cheese. The amount

added to my sub was less than crumbs I have sometimes leave on my kitchen counter when

making toast.

Me: Can I have lots of Parmesan?

He shakes the container twice more and I think I see some fall. I am giving up. But I am so close to being done. The finish line is near, but I am running up hill and about to pass out. He does not ask “And?”, but starts to wrap up my sub. Apparently, he is as tired as I am.

Me: Sorry, can I also get some oregano?

He looks at me like he has to start all over from scratch.

Me: Nevermind

He wraps up the sub and is about to put it in a bag. I plan on eating the sub in the restaurant and in DC, the bags cost 5 cents extra. I know it’s only a nickel, but why waste?

Me: Sorry, I do not need a bag.

He takes the sub out of the bag and looks at me like I just denied him a tip. Finally, he hands the sub to the woman waiting at the cash register.

Her: What did you order?

I thought of how she just erased our entire time together. All the memories he shared making

this sub. I was her only customer, but she did not care. I was just another order to her. Just

another notch on her freshly baked bread roll bedpost.

Me: Meatball

She holds the sub in her hand

Her: What size? Small or large?

Then it hits me. There she is with my foot-long in her hands and she does not even know if it is 6 or 12 inches. She does not deserve to make my sub. We created a piece of art that took sweat and tears and a lot of hard work and she just doesn’t care. I am hurt.

Me: Foot-long

Her: That will be $5.55

Ha Ha! I now come to accept our time together is over and that we are through. And, in

retribution, I shall have the finally say.

Me: Actually, I am not taking a bag, so it should only be $5.50

SLAM! I pay in cash with the exact change and leave her life forever. Or at least until tomorrow at the same time.

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Noooooo

No No No No

NO

No No No No No No No No No Nooooooooooooooooooo

... but yet I couldn't stop watching.




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Anagram

Uncle Sam
also spells ...

1)  Calm En Us

2)  An Muscle

3)  Me Us Clan

Giant Clams Invade DC

Have you ever heard of Shen?  It’s an ancient Chinese monster who is a giant clam.  Well, 10 Giant Clams have arrived at the National Zoo .

Native to the warm waters of Indo-West Pacific coral reefs, T. crocea come in a variety of patterns and color mixtures. They have multicolored designs, and their mantle is usually decorated with iridescent blue, yellow or green blotches, spots or lines.  The smallest of the giant clam species can grow up to nine inches

- National Zoo

I never thought that invertebrates could be so intimidating, but here I am, writing about clams.  However, I must admit that I thought if I ever were to write about Giant Clams, it would be how I escaped their captivity and how they were rolling down the streets of DC, shooting lasers out of their iridescent blue and green shell mouths, using seaweed lassos to round up my friends for their banquet of Human Chowder.

But for now, we are safe.  We are Shen-Free.  But just in case ...

This is the sign for Shen - Your new Overlord



Government Confirms Zombies

OK.  So maybe they did not exactly come out and say it, but it appears (at least to me) that the U.S. government might admit that zombies do exist.  The following text is listed on the official website for the CDC - Center for Disease Control:

So what do you need to do before zombies…or hurricanes or pandemics for example, actually happen? First of all, you should have an emergency kit in your house. This includes things like water, food, and other supplies to get you through the first couple of days before you can locate a zombie-free refugee camp.

- CDC Emergency Preparedness and Response

Besides listing the suggested items for your Zombie Appocolypse Kit, the site also gives you a brief history of zombies, urges the preparation of an emergency plan, and outlines the CDC's role in the event of an attack by the undead.

The written text and provided information is posted on CDC's social media blog?   That means, I think, that anyone with a brain, not already eaten by a zombie, can post their thoughts and comments online.  However, the CDC must be aware of this farce but still has not removed the zombie page.


Just another thing for me to worry about.

Caution:  Run.  Don't Walk

Kids Are Real

Kids say the damnedest things.  Why?  Because their thoughts have no filter before they translate into words and eventurally come out their mouths.  They are still learning what is socially "right" and "wrong".


Example 1:
As I type this sentence, I am sitting in an Adams Morgan Starbucks and watching a little kid two tables away.  He is staring at the ceiling, arms out to the sides, and spinning around like a top.  I would be kicked out of here if I chose to join in.  An adult can not do that, but this little kid can.  He is allowed.


Example 2:
About an hour ago, I saw a little girl marching like a drum soldier down the street.  Everyone thought she was cute, but if someone older would do that, they would be crazy.


Example 3:
This picture

Kids are honest.  Kids are real.  And I am jealous for that.


To see more pictures of how kids are honest (sometimes too honest), click here.

Poor Meg Griffin

Whoever watches Family Guy knows this line, very well:

Shut up, Meg!

Poor Meg Griffin.  She seems to be the go-to punching bag for the entire family.  The father, mother, both brothers (older and younger), family dog, and everyone else in their Rhode Island town hates the girl.  I admit, she is a little off, but no more than the rest of the clan.

Personally, Meg has the strongest and widest effect on my emotions.  It is not that I can relate to her storyline, because I can not. Repeat, I can NOT relate to Meg Griffin.  But, sometimes I feel sorrow for the way she is treated.  Then other times, I feel guilt because I hate her too.  And sometimes, I just laugh and point at her in the same mocking way the rest of the Griffins do when she does something stupid.

Yes, Meg Griffin has a hold on me.  And to that, I say, “Damnit Meg, get your hands off!”

Crazy Cat Lady Needs Sublet (friends)

I live in DC and I love DC. Some of the reasons this city is great are because of the various cultures, people, food, histories ... and crazy people.

DC's growth is booming and housing is up.  However, if you are looking for a new place to live, like me, and love cats, like me … then ... keep on looking.

This was an actual ad from Craig's List in DC:

Did you notice she even named the Roombas?

If you would like to apply, click here, then call your doctor and tell him/her what you just did.

This could be your future landlord!